“I Know How You Feel” Is Not a Bad Thing to Say

(As long as you’ve done the work.)

Photo by Annie Spratt

A taboo that has emerged over the past several years is the phrase “I know how you feel.” The implied comeback is something along the lines of: “How can you possible know how I feel?”

The rationale is that the phrase is used as a cheap substitute for empathy or perhaps an attempt to one-up somebody else’s pain.

Aversion to the phrase can be amplified by social factors. For example, a man trying to sympathize with a woman in menopause… well… you can see how this can go south fast.

But I am a firm believer in using this phrase regardless of the social distance – as long as you’ve done the work. The work is simple, though not always easy. It’s listening. Careful and diligent listening. Here’s how the full expression of the phrase goes in my mind:

I know how you feel. Because you told me. And I heard you. And I care.

One of the hardest things for some people to believe about themselves is that they are skilled enough to explain their experiences in a way that others can, and want to, understand.

This is why some people talk too much – it’s hard for them to believe they’ve told their story well enough. It can also be why some people don’t talk much at all – they don’t believe anyone will appreciate what they have to say.

But my personal bias is toward the power of empathy. I think the word transcendent is fitting – it is the basis of the Golden Rule, after all. Empathy takes work. It takes care. And it takes careful consideration of the stories that other people have entrusted to us.

So if you want to give somebody a priceless gift. Earn the right to say the words:

I know how you feel. Because you told me. And I heard you. And I care.

-Austin