The Non-Emotional Leader (And the Emotional Vacuum)

Continued reflections on emotional capital.

Photo Credit: David DINTSH

Emotion is just another word for energy. And energy is the ability to get things done.

A lot of people share the underlying belief that emotions are inherently internal, private experiences that represent a liability.

As an alternative to this view of emotions, I prefer the concept of emotional capital – the ability to harness and manage emotional energy as the primary factor of an organization’s culture (whether that organization is a corporation, a family, or a group of friends).

To lay the groundwork for emotional capital, it’s important to establish some new ground rules about the nature of emotions that focus on its communal nature and remove the popular negativity bias:  

1.     Emotions are an extension of the world around you.

2.     Emotions are a collective resource.

3.     Emotion is energy.

The Myth of the Non-Emotional Leader

Effective leaders, the story often goes, prioritize objectivity over subjectivity and keep emotions out of the decision-making process. Consider the undisputed investment genius Warren Buffett’s famous claim: “I can’t recall any time in the history of Berkshire that we made an emotional decision… You don’t want to be a no-emotion person in all of your life, but you definitely want to be a no-emotion person when making an investment or business decision.” Like the proverbial trio of blind men describing an elephant, this two-dimensional way of talking about emotion misses the bigger picture and risks neglecting the most important asset in a leader’s toolbox.

Show Your Work

Just because someone is calm, does not mean they are non-emotional. To the contrary, a calm energy – or an energetic calm – is often the ideal emotional state of strong leadership, and achieving this takes work. But to confuse this as non-emotional can be maladaptive to the overall culture. To quote author and illustrator Charlie Mackesy, swans look graceful on the water because “there’s a lot of frantic paddling going on beneath.” Instead of hiding the emotional work or masquerading as non-emotional beings, leaders can develop emotional capital by showing the work it takes to manage the emotional demands of their role and serving as a model for others.

The Emotional Vacuum

The dynamic of “hiding the work” can show up in subtle ways. By virtue of selection bias, the people who survive corporate culture long enough to inherit leadership positions are often those who have learned to manage the intense highs and lows of daily drama by staying calm regardless of what comes their way. Flexing your keep-calm-and-carry-on muscles is a necessary skill. But consider the common complaints that I hear from people who confuse this skill as a sort of non-emotional-nirvana:

1.     My partner tells me I’m emotionally distant and he/she wants me to be more vulnerable, but there’s just not a lot going on for me emotionally.

2.     My partner tells me I’m not meeting his/her emotional needs, but the more I try to stay calm, the more stressed out they get.

3.     Entropy is always at work in different parts of my life, and if I’m not there to manage things, chaos sets in.

In each of these cases there is a very clear preference for calmness. Confusing calmness as the absence of emotion, however, can create an emotional vacuum – and, as we all know, nature abhors a vacuum. Whenever an emotional vacuum is perceived, the normal response is a flood of whatever emotional residue is at hand from the people closest to you – quite often this is something in the neighborhood of resentment, anxiety, or alienation.

If You Can’t Talk About Emotions, Talk About Energy

When working with people who think they have nothing to say about emotions, I will often ask them to talk about how they manage their energy throughout the day. It’s like opening the water spigot. All of a sudden, they have plenty to say. Some common transformations that I hear include:

1.     I started sharing with my partner things that I do to help me stay calm and what is at stake if I can’t keep calm. He/she seems to appreciate that, and our quality time together has certainly improved.

2.     I don’t have the same emotional reactions as my partner, but when I put some of my emotional reactions on the table it seems to bring us closer together.

3.     I don’t like feeling out of control, but letting my partner see what it’s like for me when chaos does set in has helped build up more empathy for each other. 

When the disconnect happens in the office, the same type of translation exercise can be helpful. If there is a decrease in energy, it can be helpful to look out for possible emotional ruptures. But doing this in a professional and ethical way requires a different skillset than what it takes to manage your own personal, private emotional world. This is why emotional capital is such an important topic.

Emotional capital is forged when leaders tend to the communal emotional experience rather than ignoring or trying to suppress it. Emotional vacuums rarely move things forward. An energetic calm, on the other hand, is a different story.

A Special Request:

Some of the best ideas I share with clients and readers often come from readers like you. I would love to hear about some of the things you do to nurture a calm energy throughout your day or week. Or how do you “show your work” in a way that lets others know about the emotional landscape you are managing? Take a moment to share in the comments – or if you prefer, you can reply via email. The things you share really do go on to help others!

Thanks for reading and sharing,

-Austin